Jokes

[Ian]

Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.

[Ian]

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my Spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

[Ian]

I've recently took up a rather unusual hobby.
I travel all over the country collecting blotting paper.
Everyone says I'm mad, but I find it very absorbing.

[Ian]

[Ian]

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

[Ian]

A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.
A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgment; a fine of $9,000.
The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. "Your Honor", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000".
The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animal's weight, minus its two front paws".
Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?"
"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

[Ian]

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice.
Spotting a training video we sell, the blonde owner wisely decided to buy one.
"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch it?"

[Ian]

Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion.
When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you, the prune juice will!"

[Ian]

Manny goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"What on earth are you doing?" says the waiter. "Do you want to eat it or marry it?"
Manny replies, "We're just schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home town."
"What did he say?" asked the waiter.
"He said, "How should I know? I haven't been there in years!"