a few ADULT Jokes

[Ian]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Asian Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
 
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: '***k the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're f****d!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.

[Ian]

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me.
Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... you're ******g crackers.

[Ian]

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male. "Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

[Ian]

Thor and Odin are up in Valhalla and Thor turns to Odin and says, "It's great being a god and everything but I haven't had sex in a millennium." Odin says, "Well, what you need to do is go down to earth and find what they call a lady of the night and treat her." So Thor goes down to earth and the next day returns with a smile from ear to ear.
Odin says, "It was good, then?" "Good?" replies Thor. "It was great! We did it twenty-seven times in one night." Odin is horrified. "Twenty-seven times?!? Mere mortals can't handle that! Go back to earth and apologise," he tells Thor.
So Thor goes back and finds the woman and says, "Sorry about last night, see, I'm Thor..." The woman replies, "YOU'RE Thor? I can't even pith!"

[Ian]

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester. The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says, "HELP,HELP! Easter, News Years Eve, Bank holiday Monday, Pancake Tuesday, Halloween, Bonfire night !".
A voice comes back and says, " For gods sake Paddy, it's Mayday ".

[Ian]

I've just been fired by Pepsi.
I tested positive for Coke.